From Victim to Victor – Letting go of Emotional Baggage

A large part of our emotional well being boils down to whether or not we have chosen the path of letting go of emotional baggage. Whether we choose to remain a victim of our circumstance or – if out of self love and respect – we choose to stand up, do the fight, and become a victor instead.

Letting Go

Of course letting go is not always the easiest choice but the more we experience the discomfort of falling into the dark hole of emotional pain – the more we seek out ways to experience the brighter place of comfort.

If emotional baggage is defined in part “as a metaphorical image, that of carrying all the disappointments, wrongs, and trauma of the past around with one in a heavy load” That’s a heaviness that is bound to eat us up inside, and rob us of a whole lot of joy and peace.

However just as sure as the sun sets we all experience varying degrees of emotional pain during one time or another. The question becomes: how can we deal with and ultimately release emotional baggage?

Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes. Life is a journey and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.

Ha Jin

A Single Moment That Turned My Whole World Upside Down

I feel it’s important to clarify that with much hard work, the relationship I’m about to share with you has long since been mended, rebuilt, and has become the source of much love and peace. It’s easy to point the finger until we walk in someone else’s shoes. But when we learn from our mistakes, take accountability, and seek forgiveness that is when the light is shed for real.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean condoning their behavior. It doesn’t mean forgetting how they hurt you or giving that person room to hurt you again. Forgiving someone means making peace with what happened. It means acknowledging your wound, giving yourself permission to feel the pain, and recognizing why that pain no longer serves you. It means letting go of the hurt and resentment so that you can heal and move on.

Daniell Koepke

I’ll never forget that day when I was nine and my whole world turned upside down. Being dropped off by your parent in a place far from home to visit your biological parent that you’ve met briefly once two years earlier and not really realizing that your life is about to be completely uprooted was one of the most intense emotional things I ever had to get through. And the lack of contact made the next three years some of the longest and most painful of my life.

Three years can seem like forever when you’re nine. I can remember my emotions went something like this…

First there was shock. Followed by disbelief, confusion, and fear. As the shock became my reality, the hurt, anger, and sadness set in. More sadness. Annnd more sadness. Yes my parent was in the middle of a divorce but we had been so close for these nine years…what happened? What did I do?

Dealing With the Aftermath of Emotional Pain

As I struggled to deal with feelings of abandonment, being separated from my sibling and friends, people I loved vanishing from my life, trying to find my place in a new home with my other parent I didn’t know at all and the burden I felt of being an instant child to my new step parent who didn’t ask for this, and feeling like I wasn’t really wanted – the next several years were tough…really painstakingly tough.

So tough that I never thought I would ever heal. As I tried to process the pain by writing my thoughts and feelings in a journal, and talking to family members (whom I hope truly know how much their love and support means to me to this day) a little voice inside kept telling me that there had to be good reason for all this.

I sent letters. In retrospect I can see that the letter writing – in a strange way – even though there were no replies, played a therapeutic role in my healing process as it was one more avenue of releasing feelings and keeping faith that one day I would get the answers I had been looking for.

I worked hard not to harden my heart. I just kept hoping. I kept telling myself that I was worth the fight against losing my soul to the self loathing monster. I tried hard not to let my hurt get in the way of loving, and began to see the importance of relying on, taking care of, and nourishing myself.

There were several other tough issues to sort out up until my mid 20’s. Without divulging too many details, and for the sake of not writing a novel in a post, let’s just say I had to figure out a way to deal with residual issues. At one point I saw a therapist for a brief while. There is a benefit in having a non biased person to talk to and keep you accountable for the work you need to do to heal.

Emotional Pain

Choosing to Allow Experiences to Harden or Soften You

Maybe you’ve heard someone say something like this “I’m surprised you turned out the way you did based on what you’ve been through.” Those are the moments that forced me to take stock in the work I’d done. Like most of us, I’ve gone through some crazy phases in my life and made some bad choices, but those choices were part of my process and helped me to see that I didn’t want to play the role of victim any longer.

I was tired of the fight. and tired of being tired.

Here’s my take…life is messy. Not one of is perfect. What would we gain from this life if everything were perfect, easy all the time, and not messed up sometimes? Where are the lessons in that? Of course, I don’t think they necessarily need to be so traumatic. All I can say is maybe there is a master plan in these moments us humanoids :) aren’t always aware of. A sliver lining.

Now this next part may seem totally counter intuitive but stick with me…these things we go through – however effed up in the moment – help shape us into who we are if we trust the process. We get into trouble and experience hardship when we fall into the trap of wishing things would have been or were easier. That’s when we go against life’s natural flow.

Some of the seemingly unnecessary challenges life deals us are our greatest teachers. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” carries it’s weight for sure. In the book The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times Pema Chödrön states: “We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us and make us increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder.”

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Haruki Murakami

Go Ahead! Cut That Baggage Loose

And now for my favorite part. The part where I get to wholeheartedly say that while the journey may be difficult, and the healing is a process that takes time, it is possible to let go of emotional pain for good.

But before I share with you my process of releasing emotional baggage, there’s something we can’t avoid. The scars from emotional trauma will always be there, there is “magic eraser” for that, but we can choose not to allow those memories to have a power over us. We can make the decision not to carry that baggage any longer. It does not serve us. so cut it loose. It’s up to each of us to make a conscious decision and comittment for empowerment.

Here are some of the things I rely on to process and move through emotional pain, let go of the past, and learn to be more present. You can also check out some of favorite things here.

  • Tapping, or EFT (emotional freedom techniques) – If you choose only one of these tools, tapping alone has the ability to bring about powerful changes on a mental, emotional, and physical level.
  • Journaling – Writing your feelings down is crucial to processing all of the emotions. Not only is this a release technique – it will save you from becoming numb and emotionally closed off –  when you read it back you are more equipped to rationalize a strategy to move forward. A HUGE step toward healing.
  • Talking –  Talk, talk, talk. But, and this is hugely important, be selective about who you share your feelings with, especially if you are in an extremely vulnerable place. Trusted family members, close friends, support groups, and therapists can be safe places to express your feelings.
  • MeditationSitting/guided meditation, listening to music, taking a long walk, praying, whatever allows you to quiet your mind and get some relief. Staying connected spiritually is crucial to remaining hopeful.
  • Activating – Yoga, exercise, and participating in creative activities will help release the stress that builds up in your body. It also focuses your mind on something other than the pain. Most people who experience trauma will at some point experience pent up anger so moving that energy out of the body in increments is important. Things like sound therapy, and bodywork are also extremely effective methods for emotional release.
  • Educating – Read self help books. Practice self care. Learn how to empower yourself to manage and process your pain. Tap into resources that encourage you to grow your self love and wellbeing. Learn to create and access a safe, loving and healing space full of unconditional love and free of judgement. Perhaps most important of all, practice having compassion for yourself.
  • Set Healthy Boundaries – Be okay with saying no to people or things that negatively impact and deplete your energy. Instead, immerse yourself in things that fill up your energy reserves, and connect deeply with those who do the same.
  • Practice Gratitude –  Try and find things in your life that you’re grateful for. Shifting your focus toward these positive thoughts gives you hope and helps to avoid dwelling on, or becoming consumed with negative emotions.
  • CBD – Many people experience more calm and relief of anxiety, and many more benefits of CBD (cannabidiol). Learn more about this incredible plant here.
  • Flower Essences Rescue Remedy, a combination of 5 different flower essences helps to banish stress on an emotional and mental level. Singular flower essences can be used with great success as well.
Self Love

And as challenging as it may be, continue to expand your love. Love yourself and take care of yourself, you are worth it. Be gentle with yourself as you move through this process, hold yourself accountable for the work, and don’t forget to celebrate your successes – no matter how small or big.

Congratulations! Now Allow Yourself to Really Feel it

As you release the emotional pain, really pay attention to what you feel in those moments. Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out, really notice how you feel. Do you feel relief? Do you feel empowered? Do you feel free?

For me it felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders, I no longer felt that giant pit in my stomach, the giant monster sitting on my chest, I could breath again and all I wanted to do was spread my wings and fly! I felt free. And now I was empowered to access more of that peace and freedom.

Whatever it is you feel in your moment of transformation, I urge you to remember it well and store it in the memory banks of your mind. Now you have learned how to access it, and it’s the exact motivation you need to continue moving forward, one step at a time, closer to expanding your freedom. Just remain open to the transformation of self love, and piece by piece, moving through the pain and letting go will get easier and easier, and you will find yourself empowered to make a conscious decision to choose happiness for yourself.

You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you’re still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here! You have been delayed but not denied. You are not a victim, you are a victor. You have a history of victory.

Steve Maraboli

The place of pain is one of the worst to be in, sometimes it hurts so bad and makes you so angry that it’s easy to get disillusioned about happiness. Overcoming emotional trauma is never an easy process…it’s learned and takes time, patience, and perserverance. I wish you much love, peace, and support each time you practice breaking free from the past a little more, and moving into the space of deep soul-full joy and happiness. Only ever love, my friends. XOXO

8 Comments

    1. Jess

      My heart goes out to you, Hayley. Been there too. Glad to hear that you have found outlets that work for you personally. I hope that some of the things I mentioned will be of some help and comfort. You deserve freedom, peace, and love :)

  1. Donna

    excellent post and some very good and sound advice. We are all counselors at one time or another thru our lives with friends and family.
    Thank you for sharing this wonderful article.
    Donna

    1. Jess

      Thank you for your kind comment, Donna! You’re so right sometimes just being a loving sounding board is one of the best gifts we can give to someone who is working on letting go of emotional baggage :)

  2. Forrest

    Over the years we may learn how to cope and put things in perspective but, we never forget. Thanks for this insightful article. It touched base in many ways

  3. jann

    Right up my alley! Love the info. Letting go of emotional stuff feels great and a process. So many people guidance and support. This will help people.

    1. Jess

      Thanks Jann! The victory part of letting go feels awesome doesn’t it? I want everyone to know that they are so deserving to be free of emotional pain and absolutely have a choice to grow self love in the process :)

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